There are many new experiences you encounter when you are a home owner, some of them good some of them not so good. The following is the latter; The first time the burglar alarm goes off in the early hours of the morning.

It was around 2:30am; I am by nature an insomniac so whenever I get sleep it is cherished & the dreams usually quite vivid. So there I was having a particularly vivid dream involving running down a Sin City-esque corridor; Not sure if I was running from something, to something, or just doing it to look cool. So anyway there I was running through the black & white ally when suddenly a high pitched electronic ringing surrounded me.  Suddenly I was back in my bedroom, the ringing still continued and was louder than before. After a few seconds of confusion I realized I was in fact awake and the ringing was actually a thing; The burglar alarm had been tripped.

"Huh? What was that noise..."
“Huh? What was that noise…”

Adrenalin took over and I threw off the covers & jumped out of bed in one fluid motion. In my desperate panicked haze I reached for a weapon, the first thing I saw in front of me; a belt. I’m not entirely sure what my plan was if I did encounter an intruder in the house, somehow figure out a way to slip behind them and garrote them. I figured I would just have to cross that bridge when I came to it. I flew downstairs, belt in hand, preparing for whatever may come.

Let's do this...
Let’s do this…

I hit the hall at about 25mph. I immediately reached for the alarm control panel & deactivated the alarm, my politeness taking over from my survival instinct; It was the early hours of the morning, I didn’t want the alarm to disturb my neighbors. It didn’t matter that, if there was a malevolent presence in my house with me, I had just given away my presence & my only tactical advantage. I just hoped however the unknown intruder decided to kill me that it didn’t involve a chainsaw, didn’t want my dismemberment waking up the neighbors.

Shhh! You'll wake up the neighbors!
Shhh! You’ll wake up the neighbors!

I darted in the kitchen, light on, belt twirling in my hand like I could actually do some harm with it if i wanted to. I found nothing. I checked the pantry, again nothing. I even checked a couple of the larger cupboards, maybe the intruder was a contortionist? Finding no opponent I went to do a sweep of the living room, not thinking to upgrade my belt weapon for something more weapon like; knife, scissors, rolling pin, colander, fucking anything other than a belt really. My security check of the lounge also came up empty, there appeared to be no sign of forced entry anywhere. I went back into the kitchen and turned on the outside light, seeing if there was anyone hiding in my garden, maybe they just came up the the windows but the alarm sensor picked them up before they could gain entry and loot my belongings? I stared into the illuminated night for a good 5 minutes, there was no sign of life out there. I was alone, I was safe & so was my house.

However this raised a new problem; Do I go back to sleep? What if the possible burglar was outside and was just waiting for me to go back to sleep so they could try again? What if my alarm went off again, what if it was a fault in the system? I checked the electricity breaker wotsit in the pantry; Nothing had tripped. So I immediately went back into protection mode, doing several patrols of the whole house. It’s a 2 bedroom mid-terrace, so they were not particularly long patrols so I just did lots of them. I did however replace my makeshift belt-garrote with the much more impressive looking Airsoft sawn-off shotgun I have. After several laps of the house lasting over 20 minutes I decided my house was safe and I was ok to attempt sleep again. I closed down the house & returned to my bed, my fake shotgun laid next to me like a woman. There really is no sleep like disturbed, annoyed paranoid sleep.

The next day was a particularly long day at work, the events in the early morning left me looking & stumbling round the office like Bela Lugosi with an inner ear problem. During my morning break I texted my mother about the event; She suggested when I get home to look around my burglar alarm sensors for spiders, as sometimes they make webs in front of them & this can set them off. In my sleep deprived state this lead me to only one possible conclusion…

,,,the spiders are trying to rob me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s