We Need To Talk About Pawny

As the title implies; We need to talk about Pawny.

Or rather more specifically I need to talk about Pawny. Because I have a film degree that cost me over £10k in debt and this is how I’ve decided to use it. But questionable life choices aside a more recent one is I went to go see Men In Black International; It’s fine. It’s fine. Solid 5/10 movie. Any moments of genuine greatness get washed over by some real plot issues & genuine bad writing. One of these issues is the subject I’m rambling about here, in hopes that it leads us to somewhere else, but I can’t guarantee anything. So let’s just all neuralyze ourselves, come into this tangent clean and see where we end up. Fun times inbound!

In the early part of the film we follow our villains of the piece, a dastardly duo Wikipedia informs me are called The Twins because they are twins, in Marrakesh. There they wander into a secret back room and encounter the later dubbed and subject of this rant Pawny and his small group of fellow aliens, whose whole society and way of life seems to be based around….chess, for some reason. They’re small, they stand on a chequered floor lets just call it for what it is a chess board, they can fold up into their armour to form literal chess pieces, and their social hierarchy is in line with the feudal system represented in the game of chess; pawns are the lowest “class” and don’t even have names and defend & serve the pieces above them ultimately represented by The Queen. Now, is the game of chess here on earth based on previous encounters with these tiny little intergalactic travellers? Or once getting here did the aliens see the noble high intellectual game of chess and decide to base their whole society on it? Or is it simply they thought “Hey we already look like chess pieces lets use that to hide here on earth, as chess sets, exclusively?” We don’t know because this racial trait is never explained at any point! Also I guarantee this is the most thought that anyone has put into this idea, definitely more than the people who worked on this film.

Oh also they sell drugs. That’s why The Villains have come to see them, to buy drugs to kill a guy. Fair enough. That’s a rabbit hole not even I am prepared to go down, they’re drug peddling game pieces, fine.

Later in the film Thor & Valkyrie’s investigation takes them to Marrakesh and to the very location I have just established. Only when they get there they discover that everyone there has been massacred by The Twins with the exception of a hiding Pawny who is pretty bummed out about the whole situation. Now, I haven’t actually described Pawny, that’s because I’m about to now; He is a small CGI construct voiced by a comedian and has more sass than the eleven seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race combined. Also his actual physical design is practically screaming from the rafters for toyification. He literally has the exact proportions of his own Funko Pop. Not since the likes of Baby Groot have we seen a GCI character made with this objective in mind, designed in committee to hopefully empty geeks wallets and take up shelf space with a piece of plastic tat. They wanted a Baby Groot so they made a Baby Groot.

It’s like looking in a mirror, only, not

However whereas Baby Groot was an endearing collection of expensive pixels that won the hearts and money of filmgoers without even talking, Pawny is very much the opposite; Pawny isn’t even a character; He is a walking joke dispenser with about as much depth as the puddle it would take to drown him in. Our agents walk in to the Chess Club slaughter, a situation our tiny individual gets over incredibly quickly by the way, he explains the no name thing so Agent M dubs him the highly marketable name of “Pawny”. Because he’s a pawn. This from the writers who named their “villains” The Twins because they’re twins.

Anyhoo Pawny decides that M is a queen and vows his servitude to her, which is possibly the actual and only reason for this alien species cultural coding, and both agent just roll with it. Now, the agents could question the small surviving alien as to what actually happened here and why as part of their investigation because they’re investigators investigating a case, but they don’t. They don’t actually even bother. Because ultimately it doesn’t even matter, as they now have a tiny quip dispensing cartoon with them and after all isn’t that better than answers or plot development? Besides there’s no time, stuff needs to happen! And a chase sequence! All punctuated by his sass and quips and boy howdy does he have quips, lot’s of them! Some of them even land, in fact most of them do. But he’s not a character, in fact none of them really are. And maybe that’s the point I’m trying to get to here? I’m very much a stream of consciousness & piss at this this point here.

But what I spent the previous 847 words, a couple of hours of my own time, maybe 5-10 minutes of yours, and is possibly express far more succinctly elsewhere on the internet regarding a film we have all kinda decided is rather meh, is this; The character of Pawny bothers me, however the way he is introduced and incorporated into the plot bothers me more. Because he just appears, is there, and stays there. In a scene where it’s logical to ask him a bunch of stuff that pertains to the story and the killing of his whole people, that doesn’t happen.

Because this film as a whole, there’s just nothing to it. It’s vapid, empty, no bite to it, like brown smoke just wafting around. And a setting like the Men In Black universe that just seems a waste. I mean the subject of immigration and refugees, it’s not even subtext in this series it’s the literal text! Aliens coming to earth living here and hiding in society.

I’m not saying EVERY film needs meaning in it to drive it forward, especially in a popcorn guzzling summer blockbuster, but I feel this setting definitely has more to offer than ‘Stop the badman from getting the macguffin’. After all that’s what endeared us all to the first one. That and characters with depth that we gave a shit about. Also that ‘Stop the badman from getting the macguffin’ thing has been used throughout the series a couple of times so I realise how stupid it is saying that now. I think Hollywood are just going to have to accept they will never make another Men In Back movie as good as the very first one and possibly bits of 3 (And those bits are called Josh Brolin & Jemaine Clement).

This film should have been great but instead it’ll just be forgotten about. You can’t just rely on a pair of funny leads with good chemistry, this film needed something that actually would resonate with audiences and burn itself into their memories. And that is not a 4 inch high cheeky Funko Pop, no matter how much studio producers want it to be.

So fuck Pawny. And fuck me too for writing this I guess. But not fuck you for reading it, you’re the real heroes in this story.

I haven’t blogged in nearly 2 years and THIS is what gets my creative juices going? A 2019 summer blockbuster that we have all agreed is kinda naff? No one asked for this.

What is wrong with me?


Man, I’m really not very good at this blogging thing am I? Turns out you have to update it every once in a while not just once a year. There’s reason for this; lack of time, lack of confidence, general writers block. However the time for excuses is over, time for actually writing something is now…ish. Even this thing I wanted to do is a few weeks late. Sue me.

One thing I do seem to write about without fail is my annual Edinburgh Fringe Adventure; Every year I head up to Scotland’s capital, eat a full Scottish breakfast at the City Cafe, see as much comedy as I can and then tell you about it. However I’m not able to do this this time round, because I’m not at Edinburgh Fringe this year…

Myself and my girlfriend did not have the greatest start to 2017 as it featured such events as relatives getting hospitalised, my girlfriend getting hospitalised herself, and my day job just being especially awful. So I made an executive decision; We need a holiday, a proper summer holiday. So we’re skipping Edinburgh this year in favour of Gozo, a lovely looking island off the coast of Malta. Where as a ginger I expect to be dodging between every spot of shade I can find for fear of exploding in the hot Mediterranean sun.

So under the circumstances the best I can do is more of an Edinburgh Fringe Recommendation type thing; a list of acts I saw previews of in the run up to August or just acts I think are bloody awesome generally.

DECLARATION: Since I’m kinda, sorta, maybe in the comedy scene this list will contain acts I’ve either gigged with, hung out with, bothered on Twitter or even consider friends. So please take the following however you want based on that information.



Well, it has been a while since I updated anything isn’t it? It’s amazing how much depression, anxiety and just general bone idleness can get in the way of getting stuff done. However nothing better than my annual Edinburgh Fringe Adventure post to get me back into the swing of things!

However in previous adventures I was joined by my friend/producer/sound monkey Pete, not the case this year. Apparently he had much more important things to do with his time and money this time round. Without his now legendary hit list for Fringe shows I was pretty much flying blind. However this year I was fortunate enough to be joined by my awesome and lovely girlfriend and with her own comedy leanings and my complete guess work I think we did a good job. Once again when we arrived we were greeted by glorious sunshine which confused the Hell out of us, however on our last day it had turned to something more wetter and familiar.

So the following is a run down for the things we managed to see in our 3 day getaway. As per previous posts I am by no means a professional reviewer, I just like writing about the fun/crap things I see. Also as time goes on and I get more “known” in the “industry” I am actually starting to get friendly with some of these comedian types so it’s getting harder and harder to be impartial, so take what you want from these glorified scribbles.

Lets get started…   Continue reading “EDINBURGH FRINGE ADVENTURE 2016”


So Deadpool was really good, wasn’t it? I’d say so as it earned $284.5 million worldwide on opening weekend, not bad for a film Fox didn’t want to make!

I’m joined by my chum James Wood as we discuss the film, the ongoing X Men films & also what mutants we would like so see pop up in them. There’s some random ones…

THE PIPCAST: We Love Deadpool

If you enjoyed this podcast why not leave us a review on STITCHER or iTUNES, we would sure appreciate it, like, a lot! Also please like & share with your friends. Also also did we miss anything? HINT: We totally did, there’s a lot of games coming out. If so please feel free to discuss with us in the comments below & onTwitter.


So since we pretty much covered movies we were looking forward to this year that means it’s time to move onto the other love of our lives; VIDIYA GAMMEZ! Me and my good chum James Wood have a look at some upcoming releases for PS4 & PC that caught our eye including X COM 2, Farcry Primal and…Digimon!?! No XBone games here I’m afraid since neither of us own one so we don’t care.

THE PIPCAST: Most Anticipated Games of 2016

If you enjoyed this podcast why not leave us a review on STITCHER or iTUNES, we would sure appreciate it, like, a lot! Also please like & share with your friends. Also also did we miss anything? HINT: We totally did, there’s a lot of games coming out. If so please feel free to discuss with us in the comments below & on Twitter.

THE PIPCAST: Most Anticipated Movies of 2016

So 2015 is officially done and in the past, because that’s how time works I’m told. With that in mind we turn our attentions to 2016 and it looks like it’s going to be quite a year at the cinema. Being joined by my good friend Greg Kirby we go through the coming year and chat about our most anticipated (and least anticipated) films coming out in the next 12 months; including Deadpool, Civil War, Batman VS Superman, Suicide Squad, and an upcoming Underworld sequel that exists for  some reason.

THE PIPCAST: Most Anticipated Movies of 2016

If you enjoyed this podcast why not leave us a review on STITCHER or iTUNES, we would sure appreciate it. Also please like & share with your friends. Also also did we miss anything? HINT: We totally did. If so please feel free to discuss with us in the comments below & on Twitter.


Okay so now now we have got all the negativity out of the way let get on to the upbeat, hopeful & nice part of the proceedings; What was the best 2015 had to offer in the way of movies, games, comics, TV shows and all things geekery? Me and my chum James Wood attempt to work that out through collective remembering, sensible discussion and a little bit of ranting.

THE PIPCAST: Best of 2015

If you enjoyed the episode we would really appreciate a review on STITCHER or iTUNES and please like & share with your friends. Also did we miss anything? HINT: We totally did. If so please feel free to discuss with us in the comments below x

THE PIPCAST: Worst of 2015

So 2015 was a thing. We didn’t get hover boards, the zombie uprising hasn’t started yet, but we did get some pretty decent movies/games/comics. However first me & my stalwart friend James Woods have to get the negativity out of the way first as we go through some of the worst examples of geeky things last year had to offer.

THE PIPCAST: Worst of 2015

If you enjoyed the episode we would really appreciate a review on STITCHER or iTUNES and please like & share with your friends. Also did we miss anything? HINT: We totally did. If so please feel free to discuss with us in the comments below x


Wowsers, isn’t it weird how quickly time flies past? Once again it is time for me to board a train and head up to the wilds of Scotland. Where in the city of Edinburgh for one month of the year is overrun with comedians, performers, musicians & other funny people trying to entertain us unwashed masses.

As with previous years I headed up with Pete who did pretty much all the organizing for the trip, he even printed out a colour coordinated itinerary of all the stuff we needed to see. Very organised is Pete. The train journey was pleasant enough, managed to get up to Scotland in very rapid time. When we got there we got all our things and made our way out of the station to find…glorious radiant sunshine & blue skies…I was very confused. Yes as odd as it may be we had some glorious weather this year, think it rained only once while we were there and even then it stopped just as quickly as it started.

So the following is an account of all the awesome things we saw in our 4 days at the festival, trying to cram in as much as we possibly could. I have to remind you again; Pete’s hit rate for shows is notoriously high & untarnished, so if you’re after some negative reviews I’m afraid you’ll be struggling. I’m not a professional reviewer or anything, I just like telling people about the good stuff I saw. Continue reading “EDINBURGH FRINGE ADVENTURE 2015”


So the official HD non-shaky camera phone version trailer for the upcoming Deadpool movie is now online just as 20th Century Fox promised. In fact they release 2 versions; Green band (squeaky clean & censored) and Red Band (Full of tits and swears). Not sure why you would release a censored version of a trailer for a R Rated movie, but that’s a question for a wiser man than I. So here it is and…